Dear Diary: A Clear Vision

I’m taking this New Year to really put myself into what I love without fear.

I’ve spent the past two New Year’s eves alone crying and watching Netflix. I guess the pressure of having to be around people, have a memorable night, have the most fun at the party kind of drives me off the deep end. Because I put a lot of pressure on myself to put out the image that I am a person with a thriving social life of a million people around me when in reality, I’ve got a good two close friends I’d actually invite over to my house.

New Year's Eve is kind of the death wish for me; it’s setting myself up for disappointment, to not feel good enough. It’s kind of my own personal pity party once a year. And I don’t want to say 2016 New Year's was better but I have some confidence. I think I just needed perspective of who I am and what I want and don’t want. I wouldn’t have fun at a party, I hate parties. I think just cutting out what is toxic and what scares me - but not what scares me enough to push myself - is necessary.

Alcohol genuinely gets me anxious to the point where I can’t deal with situations straight and sometimes I bully myself for that because media has taught me this is what New Year's Eve is. Those are the kind of toxic thoughts I think it’s time to cut out this year. I have a clear vision of who I am and am aware of myself but sometimes I lose sight and make decisions that drive me off the tracks.

I’m taking this New Year to cut out needless anxieties that I indulge. I’m taking this New Year to really put myself into what I love without fear. I spent the eve of 2016 with my significant other, someone who makes me feel comfortable and safe, with a clear path of who I am and who they are and who we are. There are no road signs in this telling me what’s ahead but I’ve got two more seasons left of The L Word on Netflix if it is I guess.